Circumstances and experiences can change you drastically. It doesn’t matter how many clichés you follow, it doesn’t matter how many catchy quotes you use to lie to those around you, it doesn’t even matter whether you physically stop yourself from feeling every little thing–at the end of a long day when you sit down with just your thoughts to surround you–the reality grabs hold of you in a vise grip.
Life is hard. It is so fucking hard that sometimes you don’t really understand which way is up and which way is down. There really isn’t anything wrong with having that feeling, it just means that somewhere and somehow, things are going exactly as they should be.
Nothing worth having comes easy in life and all that.
Sure, there’s that handful. That handful that have their lives mapped out for them. That handful that think they are truly living by never moving off of their path. Those people that knew from the beginning where they want to head and how they want it to turn out.
I realized that those are usually the saddest people I know. They are the ones sitting in a crowded bar surrounded by people who tell tales of their journeys. They are the ones surrounded by millions of “loved ones” yet never knowing the true feeling of love because that was never in their plans, or maybe they let it go because that was going to hinder their progress. They are the ones people like us watch from afar wondering why we couldn’t be as lucky, but soon realizing we would never change a thing.
I was that person. Until a certain day in May, I was the person that watched others with unhidden envy. I wanted success at my young age. I wanted the extra cash flow to go where I want and buy what I felt. I wanted that shiny engagement ring or that late night cuddle. I wanted the fame. I banked on it. Then came that day… that day when the universe aligns and suddenly you see things clearly. You take of those rose colored glasses and you see things for what they are. You see people for who they are.
It is so easy to get wrapped up in someone else’s idea of reality. It is so easy to get blinded by someone else’s version of success.
However, on the 26th of June, I am going to salute myself with a bottle of something bubbly, while hanging out with my mom. I am going to salute myself for four years of never giving up. Four years of watching people, friends, and family come and go from my life. Four years of pining for a love that was a flash fire. Four years of heartache and tears and those special moments of happiness and excitement. Four years of coming home tired and barely being able to bath let alone sit at my laptop and tap away at the keys. Four years of questions and struggling. Four years of fluctuating psoriasis. Four years of doubt, belief and then a little more doubt.
Four years of living my dream of calling myself an author.
You see, although I may not be on any fancy list. Although the sales may not be high. Although ninety percent of the people who read my books only do so because I put it up for free. Although sometimes it takes me a year to push out something half as good.
Although sometimes very few support what I do… I can look back on that day and know that four years and eight books later, I did what I always wanted to do. Every time that I sit at my laptop or look at my bookshelf, I know I can still do what I dreamt of doing.
No matter my bank balance, no matter how little of the world I have seen, no matter that some out there don’t think I am worth taking a chance on, I still get to call myself an author. I can still smile and know that even for a little while, I helped someone escape from reality when they pick up my book. I can create all the characters I want. I can create an alternate world where I can still believe in things like happily ever afters. I can create a world where no one will judge you for who you are and who you want to be.
That in itself is the biggest achievement in my life. I am lucky enough that every year on the 26th of June I can celebrate that fact. No matter where, no matter how and no matter who… my achievements will always be my biggest success.
Hold on to your dreams, but never forget to live while you’re at it. The best part of seeing your dreams come true, is the experience of the journey.