Life is pretty simple. You make a decision and there’s a 50/50 chance you’re either gonna get good results or flake out. Some of us fall under the latter category. Always flaking. Personally, when you’re all alone with no one to witness your internal downfall, you start to focus on all the bad things that have happened to you since day one. You start to believe that it is you.
What am I on about? Honestly, I don’t even know. There’s no method to madness and all of that.
Take for example a string of failed relationships, add to that your exes being happier with all the people that come after you—you start to think… well what the hell was I doing wrong?
You start going through your personality and let it unravel to the point where you suddenly see yourself for who you truly are.
For example as of late I have realized that I put too much of pressure on a person. I want the kind of person that puts me first. I want the type of person who isn’t a hypocrite. I want to travel the world but on my own terms, not having to give up life as it is. I want to sacrifice everything and anything to be with one person, and yet I am not the type that they would do that for.
So then the question, do I change or be the clichéd wait for someone to appreciate me as I am person?
Honestly, I am suddenly losing hope that a person like me would find true happiness. I think I would always have to change who I am in order to be with anyone. Does that sound pathetic or attention seeking? Who cares? It has all been said before. Good intentions have been turned into shallow attention seeking in the past year that I sometimes believe it.
Here’s what I think:
You can be the very best of yourself and it won’t be appreciated. You will watch as someone new comes in and do practically nothing, and they will reap the benefits that you were waiting for. You basically groom the people in your life to go out and live a happily ever after with someone else. You start to not only hate the people that reaped what you sowed, but you suddenly start to dislike your inadequateness.
It is so easy to fall into dark thinking and self-hate. It is so easy to look at yourself and feel disgust. It is entirely easy to believe that you would never be good enough.
It is because sometimes you are weak enough to believe the rejection was because of you and nothing else.
I sit daily and stare at my phone. I wait for messages that don’t come. I wait for acknowledgement. I wait for that elaborate gesture that won’t happen.
I wait because I have done whatever I could humanly do. Changed my ways, suppressed who I was and tried not to expect much. Was that still wrong? You’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.
I tried to take every bit of emotion I had and turn it into a masterpiece, which is working out just fine. I mean the things I’ve done in that book surprises even me. I don’t think it is enough though. Why else would I feel this way?
Do I truly have a bleeding lover complex?
Do I want my life to be as dramatic as my books are? Am I in my head a little too much? What is it that I want?
What is it about the danger, the heartbreak and the tears that seem to follow me like a dark cloud?
I talk a big game about being okay and alone, but I’m not. That’s the truth.
A few blogs ago, I was ready to be happy no matter the physical incapability of doing so. I can’t though.
I should stop.
this post is just the ramblings of a highly confused person.